ZIMBABWE: Taking the Conversation to the Other 349 Days

So the 16 Days of Action against gender-based violence (GBV) comes around again. The chance to act and protest GBV in this small window of time is a great relief when so much of the year seems to be spent analysing and campaigning from behind a desk.

Marches, protests, articles, and speeches are now the order of the day, but what of the other 349 days of the year, where I seem to find more questions?

Questions about what I personally and professionally do as a man do to contribute to a less gender-violent society.

Three hard hitting challenges have recently been presented to me.

First, a woman shop steward from Gweru tells me to get real. Three of her fellow workers who participated in my recent training programmes have since come to work with various bruises and emotional scars.

"Why do gender activists see GBV as a sideline?" she asks me. "Let's be honest, every time you train a woman, develop and educate her, you introduce the potential for a violent reaction against her in her new life. This is a fact you don't want to admit or provide for. You give her the tools to fight for her rights in the workplace and then you leave her alone to face the consequences in her own home."

I have no reply. She is right and I am ashamed of myself. A few weeks ago I gave these women the skills to allow them to speak out for themselves and other women. I failed to appreciate that when I aimed to give women voice in the workplace, of course they would use these skills in other areas of their lives - and that could provoke a potentially violent reaction.

It is uncomfortable for me to accept that GBV may be a direct result of what I instigate and do in my gender equity work and not just an undesired side-effect.

Women are not statistics. Every woman needs to be considered and cherished as an individual. I am convinced now that every activity I do now must have a "stopping GBV component" as an essential prerequisite.

Second, on a recent visit to Chiredzi, one man tells me I am destroying his family with my gender-sensitive efforts. "She has lost all respect for me - she says the UN is a better husband than I am," he lamented. "The poverty alleviation programme (PAP) provides her with food - and it is the women who receive it. The women's clubs she goes to get money and the women have their projects to keep them busy. When we as men ask for something to do they laugh at us and tell us to find work but there is none. I am a beggar in my own house now."

Mamphele Ramphele puts it best in her book, Steering by the Stars: "Desertion by fathers is often prompted by their inability to bear the burden of being primary providers. The burden of failure becomes intolerable for those who lack the capacity to generate enough income as uneducated and unskilled labourers. Desertion is not always physical, it can also be emotional. Many men 'die' as parents and husbands by indulging in alcohol, drugs or becoming unresponsive to their families."

Gender equity in various UN support projects is an essential goal but the unforeseen side effects of poverty alleviation programming on many men in rural areas leaves me questioning whether patriarchy is the unassailable bastion of male supremacy it once was and what all this does to family formation and resilience.

Finally, I chatted with Tinotenda Hondo, one of several progressive Zimbabwean mothers who recently formed the first feminist motherhood organisation in the country.

Hondo and other progressive mothers have formed their own mentoring group "Mafriquaa". As exciting as this is, they've also given me pause with their initial and very vocal stance.

Hondo, a young, single mother, proclaims to me assertively that, "Fatherhood is not the equal to motherhood and never can be. Motherhood transcends gender and there are many things about being a mother that you as men can never experience or relate to."

I was not sure I liked being challenged by them and taken out of my own comfort zone on fatherhood.

However, I recognised that my gender lens is clouded by my own experience, thought about what she said and realised she is right.

We've privileged gender over biology when it comes to analysing parenting and that is now a problem. It is simply not good enough for men to "support" women in the "gendered" roles we can undertake and share. We also have to take on board the women's struggle to protect that highly demanding role of biological mothering that we as men cannot undertake. We need to be fighting for more support for new mothers - better antenatal and delivery services, challenging and changing the ridiculous notion that we expect women solely to bear all the costs of delivering our next generation.

So there are biological experiences in motherhood that we cannot share but that we as men can be more supportive of with our partners during pregnancy and after. We still have an important caring role as fathers to explore - particularly in teaching our sons to be non-violent and our daughters not to accept violence from men in their lives.

And, when our adult relationships break down, co-parenting has to be promoted, but can we ever get out of our gendered bunkers on this?

The assertiveness of one young woman and her confidence in her motherhood, the idea that empowering women leads to further abuse, and also destroys men's ability to contribute to their family, leaving them vulnerable and more prone to abuse. Lots to think about as we commemorate another 16 Days - we might have to take this conversation to the rest of the year.